Thieves, Nosey Parkers & Snobs: Our Prospective Buyers

I am firmly of the mindset that my house is a fortress. It’s my safe place. Family and close friends are always welcome, especially if they come bearing white wine and gossip. Meter readers and tradesmen are tolerated, as long as they show up when they’re supposed to. Salesmen, market researchers and god-botherers shouldn’t even waste their energy walking up the path.

With that in mind, you can imagine how much it has pained me over the last few weeks to allow a constant stream of strangers into my home. They have poked in our wardrobes, commented on our decor, and traipsed mud and grass all over our carpets. One of them even stole something (yes, really. But don’t get me started on that).

‘Prospective buyers’, they call themselves. Usually they are polite enough to call our estate agents first, and then show up at a specified time. But sometimes they just spot the For Sale sign, and wander into the garden on the off chance that we’re in and they can have a look around. Sometimes they make an appointment but then show up early, ring the doorbell, and wake DorkySon up mid-nap. That never makes for a good introduction.

In the current property market I shouldn’t be complaining about having viewers, and I’m not really – we are genuinely very grateful to be getting people through the door at all – but that doesn’t mean that I can’t also share some of the conversational highlights from the most bonkers of the buyers to cross our threshold. Take it as a given that where I don’t have an answer to whatever inane comment or question I’ve just been given, I’m thinking something a bit sweary and rude.

Viewer: Was it you that put up those boards outside?
Me: Boards?
Viewer: Those brown boards in the garden.
Me: Umm yes. That’s called our fence.

Viewer: Well your cornicing is lovely, but I don’t know why on earth you painted the gold bits. I have a similar style in my house and it’s much nicer all in white.
Me: …

Viewer: Why on earth do you have this as your bedroom? It’s so big and light, it’s obviously supposed to be the drawing room. Why waste it on a bedroom?
Me: …

Viewer: Well we’d really like to put solar panels on the roof, but do you know how we’d ensure that the electricity was divided evenly between the three flats.
Me: Umm, no.
Viewer’s Wife: I think you’d probably just have to put on three times as many panels as usual.
Viewer: Christ, you’d need another roof to accommodate that.
Me: …

Viewer, looking out the window: Oh dear, that’s tree is rather menacing isn’t it.
Me: Do you think so? We’ve always liked it.
Viewer: No. No, that just won’t do. Very menacing.
Me: …

Viewer, settling into my rocking chair: Now I think I’ll just sit down and make myself comfortable for a minute.
Me, slightly taken aback: Mmmm, okay. Let me just go and let the next person in.
Viewer: No wait a minute, I wanted to ask you something. I was looking at your family tree. Is that a Cornish name?
Me: No I don’t think so.
Viewer: Oh, I think it might be. But anyway, where did you meet your husband?
Me: We were working together at the university.
Viewer: Gosh, that sounds very naughty!
Me: …

Viewer: When was the house built?
Me: Oh I don’t know. Maybe 1850-something
Viewer: Gosh no, that can’t possibly be right. I’ve been looking at the maps of the area from 1870 and the house isn’t on there. And look at the shape of the windows. They couldn’t possibly be earlier than 1870.
Me: …

And my very favourite of all…

Viewer: Is there anyone here from your estate agents?
Me: No, why, can I help?
Viewer: Well I don’t think they’re representing you very well. Come out here a minute (beckons me onto porch)
Me: What is it?
Viewer, pulling a compass out of his pocket: Look at this. The north point on your property particulars is off by 5 degrees. FIVE DEGREES! That’s not doing you any favours, is it?
Me: …

The One with the Wine Cellar

I’ve spent the last two days house-hunting. It is truly one of the most depressing ways to spend your time – viewing property after property where you just can NOT imagine yourself living, getting achey feet from pounding the streets, going cross-eyed from reading maps, and then feeling that panic start to set in because you know you really, really need to say yes to something soon.

Our search has been focused on two areas – North London and Hertfordshire. We’ll only be renting, so this doesn’t have to be the dream home that we stay in for the rest of our lives, just somewhere that’ll do for starters while DorkyDad settles into his new job and we get to know this part of the country a little better.

On Wednesday I was supposed to have five appointments… but I got phone calls the night before to let me know that two of the places had already been taken. So we were down to three.

The first one was bogging.

The second one was much, much better. Plenty space, in a nice area, clean, neutral colours… Very promising, but I figured I should see all three before coming to a decision.

The third one. Wow. I arrived a little early and decided to have a walk around the area, which was just lovely. Cute little cobbled streets, a pub with a beer garden at the end of the road, a children’s playground two minutes walk away… There was even a ‘New England Avenue’ a few streets over, which I took as a good omen since it’s where DorkyDad’s from.

Given the pretty middle-of-the-road rental range we were looking at, I couldn’t understand why this place hadn’t been snapped up instantly. It was also a bit odd that there was no To Let sign outside, but whatever… I stood there a few minutes and waited for the agent to show up.

‘Well hello,’ she said, when she arrived a few minutes later, and shook my hand. ‘I hope you haven’t been waiting long.’

‘Just a few minutes,’ I said, smiling.

We walked up the front steps, and she fiddled with the keys for a couple of minutes before letting me in. ‘Here we go… and here’s a copy of the schedule for you.’

I glanced down.

OFFERS IN THE REGION OF £950,000

Now, had I not been a bit achey and tired, this is where I would have said ‘Oh dear, I think there’s been a bit of a mix-up here!’ But she had already whooshed ahead of me, opening doors, turning on lights, and occasionally throwing questions at me about how long we’d been looking for.

‘Here’s the second of the living rooms. Have you seen anything else you’ve liked yet?’ she asked.

‘Umm, yes,’ I said. ‘One or two. But nothing quite like this.’

‘It’s quite special, isn’t it? Let me show you the wine cellar…’

I spent an excruciating ten minutes with the woman, cursing myself for not saying something right away, admiring a house that is so far beyond our reach that we couldn’t afford to rent the garden shed.

‘One of my colleagues will be in touch later in the week to get your feedback,’ she said, as we were leaving. ‘I hope it’s given you some food for thought.’

Indeed.

The Gallery: Home

I’ve never taken part in The Gallery before – a weekly link-up hosted by top blogger Tara at Sticky Fingers, where participants post photos around a certain theme – but when I saw that this week’s prompt was ‘Home’ I couldn’t resist. For obvious reasons I’ve been thinking about the concept of home a lot recently, and this provided a great excuse to go and look back through some of my old photos.

I chose to make a collage, using photos of some of the bits and bobs around our house that we’ll be taking with us when we move, and using to make our new place feel like home. I’ve given a short explanation below of what they all are. If you like these photos, please feel free to check out some of my others on my Flickr stream, which is here.

Photos, moving clockwise from top left:

The rug. We love our rugs, we do. We’ve got two beautiful wooden floors in the house, which we had sanded and varnished when we moved in… and then promptly covered up with our big, patterned area rugs. When I first met DorkyDad, he had a special comb for keeping the fringes of his rugs nice and neat (can you tell that he’s a Virgo?). But since having DorkySon he’s pretty much given up on that. Now he’s just grateful to get to the end of the day without having milk or juice tipped over any of them.

The cat. I may lose readers over this, but I’m not a cat person. I’m not just ambivalent; I actively dislike most cats I meet. Partly because I’m allergic to them, but mainly just because I think they’re horrible. If it’s any consolation to the feline fans out there, the feeling is mutual… most cats head straight for me and slink around my ankles once or twice, before hopping in my lap, looking me straight in the eye, and sinking their sharp little claws into my thighs. Anyway, I digress. This funky little metal guy is the exception to my cat-hating rule; he sits in our kitchen and keeps an eye on things. He has attitude. I like him a lot.

The table. I’m not being boasty (well, I am a little bit), but we have the best dining room table ever, which we found in a wee second hand shop in Edinburgh. It’s ridiculously big and heavy and, as you can see from the photo, has had the crap beaten out of it. Apparently it was used as a cook’s table in Donaldson’s School, which is why there are so many knife marks and chunks missing. It’s coming with us, even if I end up sleeping under it on a pavement somewhere.

The lamp. This was a present from me to DorkyDad. It’s an old Cadillac headlamp, which has been fixed on top of a wooden tripod. For some reason it also has a built-in compass. For months, when we walked past the lamp in a nearby shop window, DorkyDad used to say how much he’d like it. Then one day it disappeared and he was very sad… until he discovered that I’d gone in without him one day, haggled down the price, and hidden it for his birthday. It’s kinda kooky, but we like it.

The candlesticks. These were a wedding present from a friend in Zimbabwe. I haven’t been able to find candles dinky enough to fit in them recently, so we haven’t lit them for months, but I still like having them around.

The dominoes. These are DorkyDad’s dominoes, which live in an old wooden cigar box. I am totally an old lady before my time; I love playing dominoes, especially by candlelight, with a glass of wine and some music on. I get ridiculously competitive, and take enormous delight in sending DorkyDad ‘down to the boneyard’.

The bed. Comfiest bed ever. The end.

The paintings. Our house is chock-a-block with art, none of it valuable, but all of it well loved. We are lucky enough to have some ridiculously talented family and friends; and we’ve also picked up some beautiful pieces at the College of Art degree shows. A large proportion of our paintings, including this wooden lizard, are pieces of Gullah Art, from the Red Piano Gallery in South Carolina. They are all non-negotiable; they’re coming with us.

The harmonicas. Because no home is complete without some sweet music making machines. Both DorkySon and DorkyDad are fans of playing the mouthie. Me, I just like to take photos of them.

The toy cars. Only a fool would try and part DorkySon from his red Chevy, his purple Carmen Ghia, his yellow Beetle, or any of the other several hundred cars and trucks in his possession. He knows where every single one of them originally came from. And are they coming with us to London? Hell yes.

The blue vase. This was a present for DorkyDad from some of his very best friends, when he moved house previously. Having fresh cut flowers in a house always helps it feel like home, and never more than when they’re placed in a beautiful vase.

The notebooks. This is a family of writers. We are note-takers, poets, journal-makers, scrapbookers and photographers. We are surrounded by paper. We may have to do some filing, but we gave away our shredder last week, so all the papery stuff is here to stay.

The centrepiece. The clock, the painting, and the marble fireplace in this shot are all wonderful… but the real star of the show is the Monster. He is very old, and is part of a great story, which I probably can’t tell without getting DorkyDad into trouble. But wherever we go he will be coming too. He’s our protector, and no house would be a home without him.

To see how other bloggers have interpreted the theme of home, check out this week’s gallery here.

Boxes, books and a serious case of Lady Flu.

I’m having one of those nights where I’ve started a post and deleted it about half a dozen times. The words just aren’t flowing, maybe because I’ve had a stinky old head cold and a stomach bug this weekend. I’ve got a hot toddy to get me through X Factor, then it’s two Night Nurse and off to bed. I know I posted a few months ago saying that mummies aren’t allowed to get ill, but occasionally even we have to admit defeat.

I think the cold might be a London one – I was down earlier in the week having a look round some areas – nine hours up and down the East Coast main line and several hours on the tube probably exposed me to numerous foreign nasties. So there’s a lesson; get the whole family dosed up on Echinacea and Vitamin C before we move!

Snuffles aside, it has been a productive week. After four years of marriage (almost exactly – it’s our anniversary this week!), I’ve finally sent my wedding dress to be cleaned. In preparation for the move I’ve offloaded a few bits and pieces of superfluous stuff onto friends. Mainly, it was a good excuse to catch up with some lovely folk that I’ve not seen in a while, but it has also helped free up some cupboard space. I hope our shredder, coffee machine, and Moses Basket are enjoying life in their new homes. All the clothes and toys that DorkySon has outgrown are boxed up and ready to go to another friend, assuming she doesn’t go into labour before she can come and collect them. So far, the great wardrobe clear out has yielded three big bags of clothes which are now waiting to be taken to the charity shop (it may turn into four bags… I’ve got some dresses that I know I’ll never fit into again, but can’t quite bear to part with yet).

Next come the books. I am rubbish at getting rid of books. I know I’ll never sit down and re-read any of the tomes on body art that I needed for my honours dissertation, or the book about David Jason swimming with dolphins, which mysteriously appeared on my shelves. We probably don’t need three copies of the Catcher in the Rye, or two copies of every Harry Potter book. I can tell you right now that I will never get beyond page 20 of Ulysses. But still… I find books impossible to get rid of. They are the only things I can spend vast amounts of money on without even a tinge of guilt. I was lucky enough to grow up in a house where books could be found everywhere, and had always envisaged bringing DorkySon up in a place where he too would find interesting books in every corner and cupboard.

If we end up moving somewhere with limited storage space, and it comes down to a choice between the dresses and the books, I know already that the books will win.

But anyway, before I succumb to my lady-flu and disappear under the duvet, let me remind myself of the many other things that were good this week:

1. We had another flat viewing today, with a relatively normal prospective buyer (I can’t wait until we’ve sold, so I can blog about some of the bonkers folk we’ve had in previously…).

2. DorkySon is slowly getting to grips with his new scooter, and when he’s not busy doing that he’s dazzling us with his ever-expanding repertoire of songs. ‘Twinkle Twinkle Traffic Light’ seems to be the current favourite.

3. I had a grand old time wandering around London and scouting out some possible areas to live, although somewhat predictably I fell in love with the two most expensive areas on our list. Fingers crossed we can find a suitable flat in the next six weeks, with room for plenty of books. Did I mention the books?

4. My tiny-violin nostalgia piece about moving was featured on Offbeat Home.

5. I’ve got 97 Fans on my DorkyMum Facebook Page! Which is nearly 100… Which would be marvellous. If I can get to 100 by Monday morning it might, just, compensate for the awfulness of the new Facebook layout.

Hope you all have a ruddy marvellous week. If you don’t want to come back here for more paracetamol-powered ramblings I completely understand. I am hopeful that normal service will resume soon. Meantime check out Letters from Your Mum, DoodleMum and Mental Political Parent for some other interesting and often amusing takes on parenting. And check out the excellent Love New Blogs tomorrow morning for their weekly showcase of newer blogs.

Okay. Night night all. I’m done.

What I Know About London So Far

When I posted the other day about moving to London, it sounded like I’ve never even visited the place. That’s not entirely true… so in order to prove that I’m not a total hillbilly I’ve been trying to remember the dozen or so occasions that I have been to the city, and recall some of the details. I contemplated sticking up some pictures to accompany this post, but really, no one needs to see me standing in a Harris Tweed skirt, clutching a bottle of water and pointing excitedly at the Camden Town tube sign. You’ll just have to take my word for it on the existence of that classic shot.

At some point, soon after finishing high school, I went down for a weekend with my Mum, and stayed in the spare room at my brother’s house in Ealing. My abiding memory of that trip is that he had a noise-activated clock that lit up and projected the time on the ceiling if you clapped your hands. Unfortunately I had a cold, and every time I coughed during the night it also activated the damn thing and flooded the room with light. Between that and the flat’s location directly under the Heathrow flight path, it was not the most restful of holidays. Other than that, all I can remember is having my photo taken beside all the street names that I’d hear of, like Covent Garden, Leicester Square and the aforementioned Camden Town. Probably a habit I should drop if we’re moving there.

My chronology might be a bit off, but I think the next time I was down was a year or two later with my lovely friend Katy; we were both on a mission to do interviews with writers for Fest magazine. We shared a room at a hostel in Bayswater and then she headed off to interview Alain de Botton at his house near Paddington, while I headed off to interview Howard Jacobson at his flat in Soho. She came back disappointed that Alain was prematurely balding, and not as attractive or youthful as the picture on the back of his books had led her to believe. I came back disappointed than Howard had been a prickly and awkward interview subject, and deeply un-cooperative with the Fest photographer. His flat was lovely, though. Katy and I consoled each other on the South Bank, sitting in the sun and drinking several large glasses of wine.

The longest I’ve ever spent in London was three weeks around Christmas 2004 when I was doing an internship at a national newspaper. I split my time between the arts desk – calling John Berger for his reaction to Susan Sontag’s death, trying to track down Paul Rusesabagina, the inspiration for the film Hotel Rwanda, and contributing to numerous end of year highlight lists – and the news desk, which was full of people frantically trying to keep up with the stories coming in about the Indonesian tsunami. It was not a jolly time.

On Christmas Eve, when everyone else in the office went home to their own families, some friends of a friend of a friend briefly adopted me. I went to a church service with a wonderful, kind family I didn’t know, gatecrashed their Christmas Eve dinner, watched the Snowman with their toddler children, and was then dropped me off at a Travelodge near Kings Cross. I drank miniatures of vodka, and paid £12 to watch a bad porn film (is there any other kind?). On Christmas morning an ex-boyfriend collected me, and we spent the day delivering meals to the elderly in Hammersmith. On New Year’s Eve, I sat alone in my brother’s flat, (with that damn light-up clock again), watching the fireworks on television, eating M&S tiger prawns out of a plastic tub and drinking a bottle champagne that I’d bought last minute at Waterloo station. As I said, it was not a jolly time.

I’m very grateful to the London friends who tried their best to take care of me over those few weeks – I was treated to lunch in Covent Garden, pints in Soho, and copious quantities of dim sum in Chinatown, but despite their best efforts it was a pretty miserable festive season. I drank too much, relied too heavily on Big Macs, and got lost on the tube a lot. I went to a pantomime at the Old Vic… by myself. Ian McKellen’s Widow Twanky was wonderful, but there can be few things sadder than being a 21 year old single woman and going to panto on your own.

Fortunately, the next time I was in London for any length of time – early 2006 – I was in great company. I’d been selected to do the Ben and Jerry’s/WWF Climate Change College, and was there with my fellow students for a few days of workshops. We stayed in a funky little hotel in Earls Court, and attended some amazing lectures at the Royal Geographical Society before heading out for food and dancing every night. At the end of the week, we all headed to the IMAX cinema and attended the first UK Screening of An Inconvenient Truth. There is another picture of me somewhere looking goofy beside Al Gore. Forgive me if I don’t dig that one out either.

Most recently, I have known London through quick visits for work (pre DorkySon), and occasional weekend trips with DorkyDad (also pre parenthood!). Here is what I know. There is not one London, there are many Londons – millions, even. Every resident of the city has their own favourite park, and pub, and specialist shop. It is easy to wander down one street and find a tiny wee Italian restaurant, where you can watch the chefs kneading your pizza dough, and then wander down another and chance upon a beautiful public square full of birds and squirrels and people sitting on picnic rugs. If you want to buy a silk tie there’s a place for that, and if you need a particular brand of chilli sauce there’s a place for that. Until now, I have barely scratched the surface of the place… I can’t wait to get there and dig a little deeper. More importantly, I can’t wait to go to the panto again this year… this time with my family.